Dear Carolyn: My 17-year-old son is an only child. (Context, not an explanation for what is going on.) My ex and I are good friends — and would be even if we didn’t have a child together. Lately he spends all his time at her place, which isn’t ideal, but I’m at peace with that.
For a few years, any interaction between us is always initiated by me and usually rebuffed, ignored altogether or met with hostility. He won’t respond to texts or pick up when I call — and I don’t contact him a lot. He talks and looks at me like he loathes me. I put no pressure on him. I invite him to discuss things with me, but there’s nothing. Just loathing. He will discuss things with his mom, which is good. At least he’s talking to someone.
I have a thick skin, so this is not me being overly sensitive. I go over to his mom’s house once or twice a week to say hi and be available. They are short visits. I leave feeling awful about myself. I do confront him about his awfulness sometimes, but he doesn’t care.
My ex says he’s just being a teen. If he weren’t my kid, I would give up. No one has ever treated me this way. But I am a responsible person, so I continue to make myself available and hope I will not get a hostile response.
Should I give up? I want to say I do it because I love him, but I feel I don’t have any more love because of how he treats me. I feel I have to keep trying, but what is the point? If I stop going over to his mom’s, I’ll never hear from him again.
— Parent
Parent: I am 95 percent confident your ex is right, and 100 percent confident you will not regret behaving as if your ex is right, even if it turns out she’s wrong.
If looks of teenage loathing were lasers, I would be ash. So would most people who have ushered a child through age 17, plus or minus. They need to separate themselves from us and their identities from ours. We drive them insane; our mere presence reminds them of rules, and the more they trust us to stick by them through anything, the more they identify us as a safe place to dump their pain.
So keep showing up and being patient and waving his flag and trusting he’ll outgrow this. You may never become besties, but there is an “after”: If we all still had the emotional regulation, charm and subtlety of our 17-year-old selves, the whole world would be ash.
Re: 17: If it’s all about being 17, how come he’s not behaving the same way toward his mom?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: This can be asymmetrical, or toggle, with parents taking turns on the contempt list. Plus, the letter-writer isn’t there much, so it could be happening out of sight. Plus the teen might see himself more in the dumped-on parent. Also common. The long game makes sense regardless.
Re: 17: For goodness’ sake, make sure you give space, but make it clear you are going to still be there, going to keep trying. My husband’s father stopped trying around this time, basically no contact even though he flew through where my husband was living more than five times a year and had access to a phone, computer and free airfare. It took my husband years to stop trying to fill this hole. He needed his father to try.
— Witness
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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Should a parent stop showing up for a hostile teen son? - The Washington Post
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