I’ve written before about the importance of a healthy relationship with yourself, but it’s worth revisiting as I find our relationship to self is foundational to all other relationships.
How you relate to yourself, your self-talk, your beliefs about your worth, your demands of yourself, your opinion of yourself, and the amount to which you honor your own self, influences every other relationship in your life.
If you need to heal your relationship with food, start with your relationship to yourself.
If you want to improve your marriage, start with your relationship to yourself.
If you want to make more money, start a business, begin a new chapter, it starts with your relationship to yourself.
How do you relate to you? I coach a lot around the concept of self-betrayal. If we are someone who has spent a lifetime ignoring our owns wants or needs, if we are accustomed to watering down what we truly think to avoid making someone feel uncomfortable, if we are used to disconnecting from our feelings, if we always say yes when we want to say no, or if our minds are full of judgment and criticism toward our every shortcoming, we have in some way or another betrayed ourselves.
When you deny yourself your own thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires, you are telling yourself that you don’t matter. When you decide to take a risk and put yourself out there and then turn on yourself when you fail — with thoughts like what is wrong with you, you are such an idiot, why can’t you ever do anything right? — you are your own worst enemy.
So, of course, you hide behind people-pleasing, staying busy, or numbing with food and alcohol, anything to get away from the bullying thoughts in your head. Why would you want to be with yourself when you treat yourself so horribly?
And to take it one step further, imagine how difficult it is to set goals and accomplish them, increase your income, cultivate intimacy, take care of your body, follow the desires of your heart, allow creativity, or use your voice when you keep telling yourself you are not worthy.
Repairing your relationship to yourself begins with rebuilding trust, just as you would in any relationship where there was a betrayal. You must change the way you speak to yourself and begin to see your thoughts, behavior, and weaknesses with compassionate curiosity. You must take intentional steps towards saying and doing things to honor yourself. This might look like setting boundaries, eating healthy, or allowing yourself to feel the grief you’ve been avoiding. I often have my clients write a letter of apology to themselves for all the ways in which they’ve ignored, abused, or withheld love and acceptance from themselves.
We often believe that we need someone or something outside of us to make us feel whole and worthy. I have found that when I stopped seeking those things outside of myself, and began to work on giving myself love and approval, my other relationships deepened, I became more creative, had more inspired ideas, more energy, I could give more without needing anything in return, and I could receive more.
Making your relationship to self top priority might seem selfish at first, but I assure you, it is anything but. Being kind and loving toward yourself, having healthy boundaries, allowing yourself to just be who you are, with all of your flaws and quirks, is the biggest gift you can give the world around you. But that starts with how you relate to you. I recommend taking yourself out for a cup of coffee and get to know yourself, just as you would a new friend or lover. Sit with yourself and let the thoughts in your head be there, let your heart speak. I guarantee the deepest parts of you are longing to be seen, heard, and known by you.
Rebecca Stark Thornberry is a mastery certified life coach and the owner of Rebecca Stark Coaching. You can contact her at 720-412-6148 or visit rebeccastarkcoaching.com. If you have questions you would like answered in this article, or would like to inquire about coaching please submit to rebecca@rebeccastarkcoaching.com.
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The Relationship Coach: Start with yourself - Longmont Times-Call
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