Editor’s note: This column appeared originally on Feb. 29, 2020.
Don’t cry. You’re fine. It’s not the end of the world. Chin up. Have a drink. It’s not that bad.
These are all things we’ve said to someone who is in emotional pain. We have good intentions. We want people to feel better quickly. But why do we want them to feel better, and should that be our agenda?
Negative emotions are a natural part of life. In fact, it is expected that life is 50/50. I’m an Emotional Acceptance Coach, and much of what I help my clients with is processing that 50% of negative emotions they are afraid to feel.
Most of our problems are the result of attempted efforts at thwarting bad feelings. We drink, overeat, shop, overwork, watch porn, gamble, or cheat on our spouses to try to not feel something. We buffer our emotions because we’ve been taught that negative feelings should be avoided.
It’s true they are painful, and we are biologically hardwired to avoid pain. But what about the greater pain of alcohol addiction, massive debt, or a broken marriage?
“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” What is the message? It’s not OK to feel pain. It is not safe to express sadness, anger, hurt, or fear. Toughen up, swallow it, and then take it out on our younger sibling.
It’s not much different when someone we love is hurting and we rush to make them feel better.
Hear me out on this. While we may believe we are being a good friend or partner, we are not doing them any favors by dismissing what they are feeling. In truth, we want them to feel better so we can feel better. It’s uncomfortable for us when someone else is in pain. But saying something like “it’s not that bad” invalidates their experience and encourages them to hide their pain and choose a more “acceptable” state of being, one where nothing is wrong.
Emotions are energy in motion. We have a thought (conscious or subconscious) that creates a chemical reaction and a vibration moves through the body. We cry when we’re sad, get nauseous when we’re nervous, shake when we’re scared, turn red when we’re angry. When it’s a positive feeling, we have no problem allowing that vibration to naturally flow in and through us. But when it’s a negative feeling, we quickly go to work ignoring, numbing, buffering, or distracting. However, by not allowing the negative vibration to naturally flow in and through, we interfere with the natural process and the energy remains stuck in our bodies, creating disease, pain, over sensitivity, depression, disconnection, or the feeling of being a ticking time bomb.
Instead of telling someone (or ourselves) not to cry and rushing the process, what if we simply held space? Saying to someone, “I see that you’re struggling and I’m here with you.” Or even simply recognizing their pain by saying, “You’re upset and that’s OK.” Allow their negative emotion to finish vibrating. Resist the urge to “make” them feel better.
One of the fears my clients face is if negative emotions are allowed to be felt, they’ll be overwhelmed and lose control. In truth, it is the repression of the emotions that is destroying one’s life. Once we allow that energy to be fully felt, it dissolves and we are free to let go of the past and live in the present moment wherein lies the fullness of life.
There is also the fear that indulging negative emotions leads to self-pity. However, there is no more efficient way of moving out of negativity than by fully feeling the pain. It is the path out of self-absorption.
Next time someone you care about is hurting, consider patiently being with them and sending the message that their emotional pain is acceptable. Your silent, safe presence will make them feel far better in the long run.
Rebecca Stark is a Certified Health & Life Coach and Emotional Acceptance Practitioner. She is the owner of Rebecca Stark Coaching. You can contact her at 720-412-6148 or visit rebeccastarkcoaching.com.
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