This column, which originally appeared on Dec. 30, 2004, has been updated.
Not every gift is wanted.
You open a wonderfully wrapped present and find a painting so hideous that you have to muffle a shriek.
What do you do?
Of course, you send a thank-you note. To do otherwise is rude.
Ah, but then a few months later, the giver visits your home and asks where you hung the painting. You make up some excuse and assume the matter is over.
On the next visit, the person inquires again.
What do you say?
You probably panic and say that you just haven’t had time to find the right place for it — knowing full well that its rightful place is in the back of a closet. Facing the wall.
It could also be a badly made homemade sweater, a fondue set (even though you have no particular fondness for heated cheese) or a diet/relationship self-help book you would rather burn than read.
Some givers make it difficult for you to accept the gift, or rather the thought, gracefully.
It’s true what French writer François La Rochefoucauld wrote: “What is called generosity is usually only the vanity of giving; we enjoy the vanity more than the thing given.”
Why is it that some people who give can't let go?
In “Gifts,” Ralph Waldo Emerson writes, “He is a good man, who can receive a gift well.”
Here’s my flip side of that. He is a good man (or woman) who can give and let go.
You know this type of giver. Perhaps it's you.
The person nags you about the whereabouts of the gift, constantly asking, “So, where’s the briefcase I bought you?” or “Why don’t I ever see you wear that scarf I gave you?” or “How’s that crockpot working out?”
Or there’s the giver who magnanimously gives you a gift card or cash with strong opinions on how it should be spent. But fail to oblige and the person feels slighted, or secretly vows never to get you another present, because you decided to spend the money on something else.
How many of you right now hide things that don’t see the light of day until that someone comes around?
Or, to keep the peace, you wear a dreadful sweater to the family gathering, lest you risk the wrath of the relative who gave it to you? (Think of the pink bunny onesie Aunt Clara gave Ralphie in “A Christmas Story.”)
I used to be a nagging giver. Usually, it was my husband being tormented by my endless questions about why he wouldn’t use or wear certain gifts. (Hint: Many men don’t care for cutesy silk boxers.) There’s no crime in a recipient wanting — or possibly needing — something else. A survey by the National Retail Federation estimated that in 2022, the holiday return rate was 17.9 percent.
If you’re a giver who can’t let go, keep these four tips in mind.
Ask, don’t interrogate
Sure, you’re curious whether the person is enjoying your gift. However, if you ask and get an evasive answer or comment such as “You are so thoughtful,” take the hint.
A vague response is an attempt to spare your feelings.
Accept the thank-you and move on
Don’t grill people about why they didn’t like your present.
By all etiquette standards, the only thing you are owed once you give a gift is a proper thank-you.
Be okay about getting a return gift receipt
If giving is not your love language, you may struggle to determine what people want.
The sign of a truly generous person is one who doesn’t have a problem saying, “If you don’t like the gift, please feel free to return it,” or “I won’t be offended if you don’t like what I got you — here’s the return receipt.”
Don’t be petty
Don’t boycott giving or hold a grudge if your gift is never used or returned.
Don’t take it personally.
Although I’m not a fan of the infamous breakup line — “It’s not you, it’s me" — it can be applied to the art of giving. Although well intentioned, it could be it’s not about you. It was just the wrong gift for that person.
With another holiday gone, please, I beg you, don’t pester the people you gave a gift to.
If you don’t see the painting, sweater or fondue set being used or worn, let it go.
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Advice | Stop nagging people about the gifts you gave them - The Washington Post
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