Editor’s note: This column appeared originally on March 14, 2020.
Dear Rebecca: As a husband and father, I feel like I am always in a sort of “debt” or in some way lacking in my relationships with my wife and kids. As a result, I always choose to spend time with them when I have any time to spend. That has made it very difficult to cultivate friendships. I have a few friends, and because I consistently neglect them, I am often plagued by feelings of guilt when I reach out to them. Those negative feelings create a negative loop, and I end up just not sending the text or whatever because it brings those negative feelings to the surface. How do I break out of this cycle? — Charged Guilty
Dear Charged Guilty: It sounds as if Guilty has become a state of being and I would imagine if you examined other areas of your life you would see that they too are being driven by this feeling of not being and/or doing enough.
Feelings are a chemical reaction to a thought. When we are trapped in a negative cycle, it’s a sign we have a subconscious belief running the show. We can rationalize in our conscious mind, tell ourselves we are doing everything we can, or that we’ll do better. We can run ourselves ragged trying to be everything we think others need us to be, but if we subconsciously believe we are not enough, we are trapped in the energy of guilt and will always feel in debt to someone.
There was a moment in your history when something was said or done that made you feel guilty. At that moment, rather than fully processing and releasing the feelings of guilt and shame, you internalized the emotional energy and a subconscious belief was formed (i.e., “I am not enough”). Your body is the language of your subconscious, so from then on a situation arises which triggers that chemical charge of guilt and you react by trying harder, rationalizing, numbing, or simply pushing the negative emotions back down.
Those feelings of guilt are literally trapped in your body and the emotional charge is like a loose wire, being activated by all of your interactions.
The only way out is through. You have to release the energy of guilt and shame. We must allow those deeply rooted emotions to be felt, which is how they dissolve, and you will be able to release that subconscious belief and consciously choose the truth of who you are.
With my clients, I use a process of bringing awareness to where those emotions reside in your body and we allow them to be felt. Emotions are like a small child throwing a tantrum in an effort to get your attention. Most of us have spent our lives avoiding or pacifying negative feelings. Simply pause and extend that feeling your unconditional love and acceptance and it will release.
Imagine for a second that you are enough. What if you were in no way lacking in any of your relationships or roles? What if you were able to be fully present in all of your interactions with no feelings of debt? That is the freedom you experience once you allow the negative vibration of guilt to move through your body and the old program to reset. Once the emotional charge dissipates, the subconscious belief has no more evidence backing it, and it can be rewritten.
When you are free from emotional baggage, you can follow your heart, which will tell you what or who needs your attention at the moment. Your subconscious will no longer be looking for evidence to prove you are guilty as charged and you can bring a clean conscience to all of the people in your life.
Much Love, Rebecca
Rebecca Stark is a mastery certified life coach and emotional acceptance practitioner. She is the owner of Rebecca Stark Coaching. You can contact her at 720-412-6148 or visit rebeccastarkcoaching.com.
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