Dear Carolyn: My mom adores my son — her only grandchild. In her efforts to shower him with affection, she sometimes steps on something that is special to me and him.
Example 1: My son was very much into sharks; I took him to an aquarium and bought him a shark’s tooth as a special token from our trip. My mom, who heard him talk about it with lots of joy, showed up on her next visit with four much bigger shark’s teeth.
Example 2: I started a new job. My son told me he would miss me. Within my mother’s earshot, I promised him that, when my workday was over, I’d take him out for ice cream and tell him a special story. I came home to find my mom and my son gone — she took him out for ice cream.
Am I right to be miffed, or should I just delight that she loves him so much? And if I’m right, how to communicate my annoyance to my mom in a way that is not dismissive of her wonderful grandmothering?
— Stolen Thunder
Stolen Thunder: I’m going with “right to be miffed,” pending a third incident. Once is a misfire, twice is a cloud of suspicion, three times is a memo from Mom that she feels competitive with you for your son’s attention, which is as common as it is creepy. Or creepy as it is common. Reader’s choice.
Anyway, part of what makes it so icky is that articulating it puts you under a cloud of suspicion, too — unfairly. “Mom, your three big shark teeth make my shark tooth look puny!” I.e., you’re just trying to stand up for yourself and all you accomplish is to declare that you’re now competing with her.
I think your awareness of Grandma’s competitive energy can be the bulk of the solution. It will help you: remain mindful of her inclination to one-up you; make a habit of closing off your information supply the best you can; think long-term, since the days of winning him with ice cream are numbered; and maintain perspective.
The last one is the big one. She’s competing because she knows you’re the center of his world. Her ability to dislodge you and take over is near zero. Trust that and go Mona-Lisa-smile on her clumsy attempts to have some of that gravitational pull. And write back when she buys him a car.
Re: Thunder: I recognize your mom, I think. My mom isn’t quite like that, but she does struggle to find things she knows my kid will like and appreciate — so it makes or would make total sense if she’d see something he already does like and think, “Okay! More of that would be even better!” I think Carolyn is right that the odds your kid will prefer your mother to you approach nil, but if it’s possible for you to direct her to something that can be particularly Her Thing With Her Grandson, so that it won’t conflict or compete with your special things or times with your boy, then that could be a kindness to you both.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Beautiful. Thank you.
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Advice | Carolyn Hax: How do you tell your mom to stop one-upping you with your kid? - The Washington Post
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